


I'm Just A Little Unwell

by HanranDansa



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 22:11:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11299872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanranDansa/pseuds/HanranDansa
Summary: Leo was diagnosed with schizophrenia...





	I'm Just A Little Unwell

Leo laid on the floor of the practice room, completely out of breath. He had never felt so fatigued before. The others asked him many times if he was alright, and each time, he denied that anything was wrong and as far as he knew, there wasn't. He sat up and wiped sweat from his fore head. He began to stand, stumbling slightly.  
Hyuk caught him by the arm. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Leo felt a sudden anger and shook Hyuk off of him. "I said I'm fine alright?" Leo said, raising his voice slightly.

Hyuk was taken aback, not quite sure how to respond at his hyung's sudden outburst. The others froze too, wondering if they had just imagined the whole thing. Leo looked between Hyuk and the others a few times before sighing.  
"Lets just finish up for today alright...?"

August 2014  
Leo locked himself in the bathroom, holding his arms close to his chest. His breathing was rapid and he couldn't think straight. He paced around, feeling panicked and light headed. He stopped and looked at his reflection in the mirror. His skin was pale and his eyes had bags under them. He ran cold water over his face, and looked back in the mirror. His eyes grew wide as he saw a black shadow reflected behind him. He spun around, seeing nothing there...

December 2014  
Everyone sat in the main room eating take-out. Leo had been pretty quiet that day, and for the most part had shut himself away in his room all day. Even N was afraid to bother him. He hasn't been himself at practice lately and they aren't sure if they should bring it up. He'd have random outbursts, taking out his anger on the others, but the next day he'd act like nothing happened, like he had no memory of it ever happening.

January 2015  
"Leave me alone!" Leo screamed. He was knelt down on the floor of his and N's room, hugging his arms to his chest and sobbing. N ran into the room, stunned to see Leo like this.  
"Leo! Leo what's wrong?" N asked walking up to him.

Leo suddenly stood. "Stay away from me!" He demanded, backing away from the other.  
"Leo, its me! It's N." he replied, reaching out to the other. Leo winced, backing up into a wall. N gently grabbed Leo's hand, absolutely terrified by Leo's behavior these past few months. N waited for Leo to calm down.

Leo looked at N, seeing a horrified expression on his face. "Are you okay?" Leo asked suddenly.  
"W-what? Am I okay!? What about you?" N asked confused. Leo thought for a moment. "I'm fine." He replied as if nothing happened.

March 2015  
Leo sat in his room with N. Leo hasn't said a word to anyone all day, and his memory had been cloudy lately. N has had to constantly remind him of things. He had a blank stare, and he balled his hand into a fist, feeling the sudden urge to hit something. He glanced over at N who was listening to music on his phone. Leo let out a quivering sigh and un-balled his fist.

April 2015  
Leo stood there at the foot of the bed, staring at N as he slept. He held a knife in his hand and his knuckles where white from him gripping it so hard. His eyes were dark and his stare was cold and firm. He stood there for hours, just watching as N tossed and turned in his sleep. N rubbed his eyes and sat up.

"Leo? What are you doing? It's the middle of the night...." N walked over to the lights and switched them on. He waited for his eyes to adjust, then looked over at Leo who still stood at the foot of the bed, still staring where N had just been laying. He looked down at Leo's hand, seeing the kitchen knife.

"L-Leo?" He asked, feeling slightly panicked. "What's that for?"

Leo slowly turned his head to look at N over his shoulder. N suddenly wanted to run to the others. He didn't feel safe, but he knew Leo would never hurt him. Right...?

"Leo. Put the knife down." N said softly. Leo held his stance, not saying a single word. "Leo? Can you hear me? Put the knife down."

N slowly began to walk over to Leo who still wasn't moving from his spot. N gently placed his hand over Leo's, realizing how hard he was holding the knife. He slowly made Leo's fingers release the knife and he tossed it aside. Leo faced him, and N noticed right away that Leo wasn't himself. His eyes didn't look the same. Leo blinked a few times, then suddenly fell to his knees crying.

"Leo? Leo! What's wrong? Can you hear me?"

"The voices..." Leo rocked back and forth, holding his head in his hands. He couldn't stop his tears and N pulled him into a tight embrace.

"What voices?" N asked.

"They tell me to hurt them." Leo mumbled, his voice quivering.

"Hurt who, Leo?"

Leo shook his head, not willing to answer his question. "No..." He said, barely audible.

One Year Later  
Leo was amused by the irony of the bright colors in the room, contradicting his current mood. He spotted a sharp pencil on his therapist's desk.  
'Do it...' Leo's breath hitched as he heard the whisper. He looked around, seeing only the two of them in there. 'Do it.' It repeated.

"You did great today, Leo!" She praised. "Let me go put these papers away and we'll be all done here."

She walked to the other side of the room and Leo looked back at the pencil. He began to reach for it, but jumped when he heard a sudden knock on the door.  
"Sorry, am I early?" N asked, peeking into the room.

"Nope, we just finished!"

"Ready to go, Leo?" N asked, opening the door fully.

Leo lowered his hand. "Y-yeah..." He followed N outside and they began walking back to the dorms.

"You hungry? We could stop somewhere for lunch if you want." N offered. Leo shook his head. "Okay. So... How did today go? I overheard her saying you did well."

Leo shrugged. "It was alright. Same as always." Leo's replies were quiet, but blunt.

N looked forward again. Leo had been getting a little harder to talk to lately. About a year ago, everyone noticed that Leo's behavior problems were getting out of control so they decided to take him to the doctor, where they diagnosed him with schizophrenia. No one wanted to believe it. Especially N. Leo didn't put up an argument to any of it. He claims that he knew there's been something wrong, but didn't think it was like this. He has days where he seems completely normal, like how he was before any signs started showing. But those days were becoming more and more scarce.

Once they got back to the dorms, they were greeted by the others.

"Hi Leo!" Hyuk said happily.

Leo unintentionally gave him the cold shoulder and walked back to his room and shut the door.  
N sighed. "She said he did well today, but he refuses to recognize any change in himself."

"I'm sure he'll start to notice soon. When was his last episode?" Ken asked.

"A few months ago." Hongbin answered.

"Did the therapist say anything else to you?" Ravi wondered.

"She said to make an appointment with his doctor. She thinks his dosage can be lowered a little."

"Really? Than he must be doing well."

Leo sat on the floor in front of his bed. His eyes constantly looked around, feeling like he was being watched.

"Why are you following me?" Leo muttered. "Why won't you just go away...?" His voice cracked slightly. He didn't hear a reply which only made him angry. "I know you're there!" No reply. Leo sighed and curled up in his bed.

'Why didn't you do it?' A voice echoed in his ears. He shot up, his heart racing.

"She didn't deserve it." Leo stated. 'Shes not safe.' "Shut up!" 'You just don't want to admit it to yourself...' "SHUT UP!" Leo cried. He looked up when hearing the door open. Ravi ran in and immediately sat next to Leo, pulling him close.

"It's okay, you're okay." Ravi cooed. His heart was racing and he felt his hands shaking.

"No..." Leo said suddenly. "I won't hurt him. You can't make me!"

"Leo, who are you talking to?" Ravi asked.

Leo looked in a corner of the room"I don't want to hurt you..."

"I know. I know you would never hurt me."

"But he wants me too."

"Who does...?" Ravi questioned.

With a shaking hand, Leo pointed in the corner of the room.

"Leo, there's no one there." Ravi stated.

"He's there."

Ravi began to walk over to the corner. "Ravi no! He'll hurt you!" Leo squeezed his eyes shut, afraid to see what would happen to Ravi.  
"Leo." Ravi said firmly. Leo opened his eyes. "It's just us here." Leo looked around frantically.

"Just us...?" They both heard a knock on the door and N stepped in. "Can I talk with him?" He asked. Ravi nodded and left.

"Leo, how are you feeling?" N asked casually. Leo shook his head. He stood and began pacing back and forth in front of the bed.   
"I'm not crazy... am I?"

N was sure he felt his heart break. He embraced Leo. "No, no you're not crazy. Your just a little sick is all. Once you get the right medicine, you'll get better, okay?"

"Promise...?"

"I promise." N tried to hold back tears. He knew Leo was hurting, and he didn't understand what was going on. He wished he could help him understand, but no matter how many times N had explained it, Leo could never get it.

N placed a gentle kiss on Leo's lips. "I'll help you get better. We all will."

"What if I hurt you?" Leo questioned.

"You won't. I know you won't. That's not who Leo is." N combed his fingers through Leo's hair. "Why don't you rest a bit. We have a fan greet tomorrow. I'm sure plenty of people will be excited to see you!"

Leo perked up a tad at being reminded of the fan greet. He figured it's be a good way to clear his head. When the next afternoon rolled around, the six of them were seated at a long table, meeting fans, signing posters, and having a good time. Even Leo was smiling and happy. Everyone was relieved. As the event went on, N finished talking to a fan, and noticed that a few people back in the line were looking at Leo. He didn't think anything of it, but when his eyes trailed over to Leo, he had his head down and his hands were in his lap. He lifted his head to look around but looked back down again, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

"Leo? Are you alright?"

Leo began fidgeting in his seat, feeling all eyes on him. He tried to calm his breathing, but that only seemed to make it worse. N recognized the behavior right away.

"Leo. Leo look at me." N said, trying not to draw too much attention towards him.

"Make it stop..." Leo mumbled.

"Leo, listen to me, everything is fine. You're okay. Just breathe."

"No... Make it stop. The staring, the voices, they know. They know don't they!?" Leo said, drawing the attention of a few fans.

He stood suddenly, slamming his hands down on the table. The other members froze, hoping that this wasn't what they thought. N stood as well, trying to calm Leo. Leo's breathing was rapid and he wanted to run away from where they were, run as far as he could.

"Leo, are you alright?" Ravi asked.

"I have to leave..." Leo mumbled. "He's here."

"He?" N questioned.

Ravi understood. "Leo," he said quietly so the fans wouldn't hear. "He's not gonna hurt you. Not while we're here. It's okay."  
Leo slowly sat back down, calming his breathing and returning to normal. The others worried looks started to fade and the few fans that took notice tried to act like they didn't see anything. Once one of the fans got to N in the line, she asked;

"Is Leo okay? He looked scared a second ago." She seemed concerned, but tried not to keep glancing at Leo.

N gave a kind smile. "He's alright. I'm sorry we worried you." N apologized.

The fan greet came to an end and they all let out a sigh of relief.

"Do they know...?" Leo asked. "The fans I mean."

"We haven't told them Leo. We promised that we wouldn't say anything without your consent." Hongbin assured.  
Since Leo was diagnosed, they had decided to keep it a secret. Leo was worried the it would effect the fans in a negative way, and he didn't want to cause anyone any worry. He already felt like a burden to the others.  
Back at the dorms, the evening was fairly quiet N and Leo were sitting in their room on their phones and the others where doing god only knows what. As Leo laid there, he suddenly got the urge to go somewhere. He sat up an looked at N.

"I think I'm gonna go out for a little bit, do you need anything while I'm out?" Leo asked.

"You going by yourself?" N asked suddenly.

Leo sighed. "You're gonna tell me that its not a good idea right?"

"Well, its kinda dark. I wouldn't want you to get hurt or anything."

"Then come with me if your so worried." Leo smirked, realizing this would be a good chance for him and N to do something together.

They walked around for a while until the decided to go to one of the parks near by. It was pretty late so not many people were there. They sat on the edge of a fountain together and Leo began playing with the water. He waited until N looked away, then flicked some at him. N gasped at shot a look at Leo. He gave an evil smile and flicked water back. Leo saw the attack coming and dodged. Leo laughed aloud and N smiled big. This was the Leo that he missed and he was ecstatic that he was back. N attempted his attack again, this time he didn't miss. Leo playfully pushed N's shoulder and he gripped the edge of the fountain, almost falling in. Leo chuckled and looked down at his lap. N smirked and pushed Leo back. Leo fell back into the fountain, pulling N in with him. They both sat there, completely soaked. They looked at each other for a moment, then began laughing. Leo stood, helping N out of the water.

"Are you alright?" Leo asked.

N nodded. "I'm fine." He smiled and hugged Leo. "I love you..." He said suddenly.  
Leo was surprised him and N have been 'a thing' for a while, but that was the first time that's been said. 

Leo hugged N back. "I love you too..."

"We should probably get back and change." N suggested. And when they did get back, the others gave them a look.

 

"What the hell happened to you?" Hongbin asked, trying to keep a straight face.

"It was his fault!" Leo said, pointing at N.

"You pushed me first!" N giggled.

They all laughed. "Go get dressed before you two catch a cold!" Ravi commanded.

"Fine..." N pouted. Leo smirked and followed him back to their room.

Once they were dressed again, N stood, looking out the window. Leo suddenly felt kinda empty inside, which wasn't abnormal for him. He sighed, wishing for it to pass. He walked up to N and hugged him from behind. One arm around his torso, the other up by his collarbone. Leo felt a sudden anger swell over him, and the voice was back. 'Why do you keep ignoring me?' "Go away..." Leo muttered.

"Huh?" N asked.

'Love is the closest thing to hate.'

"Shut up..."

'Do you love him...? Kill him.'

Leo didn't feel like himself, like he wasn't there, like he wasn't in control of his body. It was like someone else took over, and he was silenced, but forced to watch what ever happened. Leo raised his arm to N's neck, keeping him in a choke hold, slowly tightening his grip.

'Stop it!' Leo begged internally. 'Don't hurt him!' The grip only got tighter. N was trying to claw his way out of Leo's grip as he gasped for air. Leo suddenly released N, who fell to the floor, gasping. He placed a hand on his neck and looked up at Leo with a horrified expression.

"N... I-I didn't meant to I-!" Leo was furious with himself. He fled the room, locking himself in he bathroom and cried. He was shaking, half from anger, half from fear of almost killing N.

N didn't sleep much that night. He mostly stayed up, waiting for Leo to come back into the room. He was scared for a while, but knew that Leo would never do that to him. Who ever that was, it wasn't Leo. N was sure of it. When the sun started to come up, N sighed and walked to the bathroom. He knocked on the door, then heard the click of the lock, and the door opened. Leo stood there with a blank expression. He remembered full well what he did, and he gave himself a reminder so he'd never forget.

"Leo... What is that?" N asked. He took Leo's hand and turned it palm up. A few red lines marked his skin and N felt himself tear up. "Why did you do this?"

"To remind myself what I did, so that I never do it again..."

"Leo..." N hugged him tight, crying into his shoulder. Leo hugged him back, not really sure how to feel. He was happy that N didn't look so scared anymore, but at the same time, he didn't want N near him in case he tried to hurt him again.  
Leo sat in the colorful room once again. Never has he felt so empty and drained. All he wanted to do was fall into a hole and never some back out. His therapist tried for a while to get him to say what was on his mind, but Leo just wasn't ready to admit it. The reality that he hurt N was dawning on him and he knew he posed as a threat to the others as well...

"Leooooo." N whined he rolled over in the bed, tossing an arm over the other who refused to face him. "Leoooo I'm booorreeedddd." N continued. Leo sighed and rolled over, seeing N with an adorable pouty face. Leo couldn't help but smile.

"What do you want to do?" Leo asked.

N shrugged. "It's late, there's not much to do..." N laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling.

Leo looked a N. His eyes traced over some strands of hair, and trailed down his neck, to his chest. He watched his chest rise and fall for a while. His eyes went further down, past his stomach, and Leo got a sudden impulse. He moved quickly, sitting on 

N's waist and kissing him rough. N was shocked by the sudden action, but didn't object. N felt Leo's hands roam over his body and he began to love the feeling. Leo began to inch N's shirt up, and lifted it over his head. N shuddered as he felt the air   
caress his bare chest. Leo smirked and didn't waist a single second. He loved the way N looked under him, so helpless and lost. Leo lowered N's pants and boxers down and dropped them to the floor. N blushed furiously, as Leo looked over his naked body. N hardly looked at himself in the mirror, so having someone ogle his body was a foreign experience to him. Leo took a hold of N's length and began stroking it, slowly for only a couple seconds, then quick, loving the moans that N let escape.

"L-Leo..." N said breathy. 

"W-why are you..." He trailed off, letting his lust consume him.

"Because I want you..." Leo muttered into N's ear.

N smirked and let Leo do as he pleased. He was unsure about Leo's sudden lust, but if its was what he wanted, he would let him.  
Leo was paranoid the whole time, feeling like someone was watching them. He looked around many times not seeing anyone there, but he couldn't get the thought out of his head, and he felt his sanity begin to slip...

'Why won't you kill them?'

'Go away.' Leo muttered under his breath.

'You can't get rid of me, I'm here, and I'm staying!'

Leo slowly opened his eyes, seeing his hands around N's neck, and N laying there, not moving. Leo felt a panic well up inside him.

"N!? N!" Leo yelled, shaking the older man. He scrambled to pull on his sweats and he pulled the covers over N's body and called for Ravi. Ravi ran in, seeing N on the bed.

"What happened!?"

"I- I don't know, we were together, but I banked out and- and-!" Leo started crying, he couldn't continue.

"Leo, he's breathing, its okay."

"W-what...?"

"You didn't kill him. Look." Ravi took Leo's hand, and they watched N's chest rise and fall.

"I almost killed him..." Leo mumbled.

"You didn't mean to. This isn't your fault Leo, you have to realize that." Ravi said, trying to cram it in his brain as much as possible.

"I can't stay here..." Leo muttered. "This is the second time I've almost killed him. I can't stay here!" Leo held his head in his hands and Ravi embraced him, quieting his cries.

"Jung Taekwoon. You're not going anywhere. We're going to help you get better, okay? I promise."  
Leo nodded microscopically and looked up at the younger man. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't be."

That next morning Leo sat in the main room alone, not able to get last night out of his head. He didn't want to admit that it happened but it did.  
"Good morning hyung!" Hyuk said happily.

"G-good morning." Leo replied quietly. Hyuk plopped down on the couch and N walked out, seeming fine, like he didn't remember anything.

"Hey, that's my spot!" N whined, look at at Hyuk.

"Your spot? Since when?"

"Any spot next to Taekwoonie is my spot!" N stated.

"I'm here, and I'm staying!" Hyuk stated. Leo winced, recalling his shadow saying those same words last night.

'Who is the real bad guy here?' It asked.

'Go away! I'm sick of you!'

'You think it's that easy?'

Leo looked up at Hyuk and N who were messing around, wrestling with each other. Leo felt his stomach tighten, seeing Hyuk change into the shadow. He pushed N and Leo suddenly stood, hitting the shadows hard across the face. Leo could hear muffled screams, like he was under water, then he got pulled back, the sounds clearing and his vision getting clearer. N stood in front of him with a horrified look on his face. Leo was confused for a moment, then looked over N's shoulder, seeing Ken and Hongbin knelt down next to Hyuk who had his hand over his eye.

"Leo!" N yelled again. Leo looked back at N, then down at his own hands, seeing that they were shaking. He bit the inside of his cheek to stop from crying, and ran to his room, locking himself inside. N let out a sigh and knelt down next the the maknae.

"Are you okay? Let me see your eye."  
Hyuk moved his hand, and the others gasped slightly. It was badly bruised and there was some blood coming from the corner.

"I know he didn't mean to..." Hyuk said. "But why did he?"

"I don't know Hyukie... Ill go talk to him. I'm sure he's upset with himself." N said.

Hyuk stopped N. "what's that?" He asked, pointing to the bruise on N's neck.

N popped his shirt collar. "It's nothing, don't worry." N insisted, forcing a smile. He walked back to their room and tried opening the door, finding it locked. He let out a quiet sigh and knocked. "Leo? Leo open the door."

"Go away!" Leo yelled.  
N's breath hitched. He could tell that Leo was crying and he banged on the door. "Leo! Open the door!" No reply. N panicked and ran to a closet in the dorm, pulling out a small box. He opened the lid and quickly sifted through its contents, grabbing he key to their room. He hastily opened the door to find Leo knelt down on the floor, firmly holding a razor blade to his wrist.

"LEO!" N forced the blade from his hand, nicking himself in the process. He threw the blade aside and cradled the sobbing Leo in his arms. "Shhh its okay."

"I hurt him.... I hurt Hyuk...." Leo mumbled.

"Leo... The way you were holding the blade... You weren't just gonna make a few cuts were you? You were trying to kill yourself..." N concluded.  
Leo nodded microscopically. "I can't take it anymore... I'm crazy. I keep hurting all of you. I need to go."

"Stop it Leo!" N cried, forcing he other to look at him. "You're not going anywhere without the rest of us following, you hear me!? You're not crazy! You're just... A little unwell is all. Ill help you get better. You'll get through this. I promise."

Leo gently placed his finger tips on N's bruised neck. "I'm sorry hyung... I'm so sorry!" He cried into the others chest. N sat with him until he stars to calm down. "Is Hyuk okay...?" Leo asked suddenly.

"He's fine. Do you want to see him?"

"He doesn't want to see me. He shouldn't have to."

"Leo, he's not mad at you. You startled him, but he's fine. I promise. He has a bruise around his eye. That's all. I know he wants to see you." N informed.  
Leo nodded slightly and hesitantly followed the other into the main room. Hyuk stood from the couch, running to Leo and embracing him tightly.

"Hyukie! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I don't know why I did that..."

"It's okay." Hyuk said with his usual happy smile. "Are you okay? You've been crying."

Leo nodded. "As long as you're okay." He gently caressed the bruise he had created. "Does it hurt?"

"Not so much anymore." Hyuk grinned.

The others weren't sure what to say. They knew this wasn't Leo's fault, but they knew that they had to something to keep Leo in line.

"I set up the appointment." Ravi stated, walking into the room.

"Appointment?" Leo questioned, feeling a but uneasy.

"Don't worry, it's for the doctors. We're gonna ask if there's anything we can do to help you." N informed. He smiled and latched himself onto Leo's arm. "We're gonna get you through this hyung. I promise."

 

\------------------------------------

 

Leo sat in the cold room with N, waiting for the doctor to walk in. When he did, he didn't have a very happy lol on his face. Leo bit his lip and looked away, knowing exactly why he was upset. N noticed the tension and placed his hand on Leo's knee.

"Taekwoon, tell me the truth, you haven't been taking your medication, have you?" The doctor questioned.

N gave Leo a sharp glance then looked back at the doctor. "Why do you think that?"

"It's clear from his urine sample that there hasn't been any sort of medication in his body for a few days, but I'm suspecting that you stopped taking them for more than just a few days. Am I right?" The doctor asked, almost seeming amused.

"Leo, did you stop taking them?"

Leo nodded slightly, looking at the floor.

"How come?"

"I didn't mean to stop, I just forgot one morning, but I ended up bing fine that day, and the next day, and the next so I figured I was getting better. Until last week..."

The doctor gave a questioned look. "What happened last week?"

"We uh... Had an accident and our friend got hurt. It wasn't major, just a bruise."

The doctor sighed and sat in front of Leo. "It's very important for you to take your medicine, okay? It'll help you get better and calm you down. However, from some stories I've head from your friend here, I think you'll do better on this medication instead." The doctor changed his prescription from Abilify to Seroquel, hoping it would have a better effect. They both went home that night, but Leo wouldn't talk much. N wanted to ask why but he knew getting Leo to talk these days was harder than it has ever been.

Once they got back to the dorm, Leo went straight to bed, refusing to eat anything. N let out a quiet sigh and soon followed after him. He curled up next to Leo, who despite how cold he was being, still welcomed N to be with him like this. The following morning however, things took a turn.

"Wake up guys! We're late!!" Ravi yelled from the hallway.

N sprung up out of bed and looked at the clock, seeing how late it was. He scrambled to get dressed and pulled Leo out of bed. "Come on leoooo!" N whined, struggling to sit him up. "Of all days to be late, don't make it today!"  
The had an interview that they had to do today, but their manager said he'd be late. They all insisted they could get there on their own and be on time. Not a good start so far. Leo got dressed and trudged out to the main room, seeing the others who looked like a panicked swarm of ants. Leo smirked and grabbed the keys to the van. On their way to the interview, it was fairly quiet, mostly cause everyone was still tired. Leo was driving and N sat in the passenger seat while everyone else was in the back doing god only knows what. Whenever Leo would look it the mirror, Ken was usually picking on Hyuk and Ravi was alseep while Hongbin was just on his phone. He smirked and looked back at the road. He let out a quiet sigh, then a thought popped in his head. He starred down at the steering wheel, feeling an urge to swerve as hard as he could. The thought scared him but he still wanted to do it. He gripped the wheel as tight as he could, and N noticed.

"Hyung?" N asked. "Are you alright?"

He wouldn't reply. Hongbin glanced up from his phone at N's question, seeing tension consuming Leo.

"Leo, what's wrong?"

"I don't want to... It'll hurt them..." Leo muttered. 'Do it' that voice was back and he squeezed his eyes shit for a second, then opening them again. "No..." 'Do it Leo.' "GO AWAY!" Leo screamed.

He turned the wheel as hard as he could, sending the van tumbling through the street, hitting a handful of other cars as it did. All anyone could hear was glass shattering, bending metal and screaming. When the van finally came to a stop, it was laying on its side. All the doors were bent to hell and there was hardly a roof anymore. A swarm of people crowded the wreck and Leo opened his eyes ever so slightly when he heard sirens in the distance. All sounds around him were muffled and he had a searing headache. His seat belt was holding him in place and he looked to the right, seeing N next to him. Leo couldn't tell for a while if he was dead or unconscious but the small movement of his chest reassured that he was alive, but the large piece of metal piercing through his chest meant he didn't have much longer.

"N....hyung...." Leo muttered.

Everything hurt. He suddenly remembered the others and tried hard to look behind him. A pain shot through his leg and he let out a scream. He waited for the pain to subside, the angled the cracked rear view mirror until he caught sight of all of them. None of them were awake, but he refused to believe they were dead. Leo raised his hand to his head, feeling something warm and wet. When he pulled his hand away, it was covered in blood and it was then that he spotted fire men running over to the van, ripping the doors off and pulling everyone out. Since Leo was the only one awake, they were forced to question him. All he could remember was that he made the car lose control. He watched intently as the others were pulled from the car and taken away. N was last. He was bloodied and beaten to hell. Leo let out a sob, all but forgetting about the pain in his leg and hobbled over to N's gurney. His hair was a mess and it was clear that he had a broken arm and leg. The paramedics took him away as fast as they could, and Leo didn't stop them, knowing he didn't have much time before he bled out.

"I'm sorry..." Leo muttered. But he knew no amount of apology could make up for this. This was it. That last straw. N could die. He could die. He could have killed every single one of them today and he couldn't accept that fact.

 

\-------------------------------

 

It was late at night in the hospital. Leo and N were the ones who were injured the worst, N more so that Leo. They others had minor surgeries and were fine other than that. Leo had a broken leg and a hairline fracture in his arm, as well as a huge gash in his head. He snuck out of his room and made his way to N's room. He had to see him. Had to make sure he was okay. He found N in the ICU and when he saw him, he couldn't stop himself from instantly crying. N was hooked up to all sorts of machines and only the sounds of them beeping were the only sign of him still being alive. Leo stepped up to his bed. N's hair hung messily in his face, his head was to the side and he was completely motionless. His chest was hardly even moving. From the papers that Leo found in the room, he gathered that N had a collapsed lung, two broken legs, three broken ribs and a broken arm. He was completely messed up and it finally dawned on Leo that he had caused this. He gently caressed N's cheek, trying to stop tears from spilling.

"Taekwoon?" A voice asked. He looked over his shoulder startled to see a nurse. "You really should be resting."

"I'm sorry... I just had to make sure he was okay..." Leo didn't count this as 'being okay' but he was alive and that's all that mattered. Even if no one ever forgave him, all he cared about was that they were all alive.

"Are you ready to go Leo?" One of the nurses asked. Leo took one last look around the room and nodded. He picked up his suitcase and closed the door as he left. In the lobby, he found N and Ravi eagerly waiting for him.

"Hi hyung! I missed you so much!" N said happily, hugging him tight. Leo hugged him back, crying into his shoulder. "Hey, hey. It's okay!" N smiled and wiped Leo's tears away and kissed his cheek. "How are you feeling?"

Leo nodded. "I feel fine."

Leo thought back on all the therapy he went through being in the mental hospital these past 10 months. He's missed everyone and he was finally heading back to the dorm. Everyone was fully healed from the accident, even N. He had a few surgical scars but other than that he was as good as new. Leo was glad for that. He still wasn't sure how the others were able to forgive him for that. All they told him was that they didn't blame him and that he shouldn't hold it against himself. The time he spent in the hospital helped him learn to ignore certain things he was feeling and helped him let go of what he had done in the past. He couldn't believe how far he had come and now he had to get ready for a comeback concert. All the fans were told about Leo's situation and they apologized for keeping it a secret. After that the fans gave nothing but support to Leo and he was happy to know they cared. They helped him get better and he was just like his old self again. Of course he still had those days, but he was able to completely ignore that side of himself. On stage it was the same thing. He felt like he was home and he could finally do what he loved again. Hearing the Starlights cheering made him feel warm and fuzzy inside and he was thankful that he could still dance and sing with his hyungs after everything that happened. They all act like nothing happened and Leo was pleased with this. He didn't want to relive his past, but he wasn't denying it either.  
Throughout the night, back at the dorm after the show, Leo stood in the kitchen with N, making dinner. N mostly watched while Leo did the cooking. As he diced the vegetables, he paused, staring down at the knife. The same knife he had held when watching N sleep all those months back. A tiny voice echoed in his head, but he only smirked, putting the knife away.

"Not anymore." Leo said, feeling victorious.

"You say something?" N asked, looking up from his phone.

Leo smiled and ruffled N's hair. "Nothing hyung, go get the others, dinner is ready." N nodded and happily skipped off. Leo watched as he did, remembering how he almost threw away everything he held so dear to him. He smiled to himself, finally able to say that he can be happy again.

/END/


End file.
